I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
