I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
