Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
