Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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