Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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