Please, let me fuck your mom
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
