come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
