Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
