It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
