A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
