i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
