So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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