paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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