9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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