I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
