Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
