omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We're too hungover to prance.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
