I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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