I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
