Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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