Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
