i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
