i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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