im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Randomize
