i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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