i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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