the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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