this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
