so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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