smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
