You can't special order awesome
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize