I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize