I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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