i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
there is glitter all over my balls
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
