I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
