i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i've created a new STD.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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