the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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