It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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