I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
