hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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