I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
