I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
