I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
