are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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