There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
did i walk over a car last night?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
