my vag is so smooth its legendary
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
