I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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