it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
