i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
