she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
