honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
