I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
