i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize