whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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