you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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