Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize