I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
